


corellian rum

by wintersend



Series: rebelcaptain exchanges [5]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: (but it's definitely featured prominently), (it's not jyn and cassian it's their cover), Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fake Marriage, Fake/Pretend Relationship, IT'S DONE IT'S FINISHED, Infidelity, Manipulative Relationship, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Rebelcaptain Secret Santa, Undercover as Married, Undercover as a Couple, Unhealthy Relationships, jyn and cassian spend a year undercover as married and the lines get blurry, not between jyn and cassian don't worry but it is discussed so be warned if that upsets you, some crass language and people being assholes and talking shit about others, this is really miscommunication at its finest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:06:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22036774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wintersend/pseuds/wintersend
Summary: Jyn has a plan.Only it doesn’t go like she’d hoped and she’s forced to reevaluate the year she spent with Cassian undercover as a married couple, wondering how much of it was real and how much of it was an act - or if it was all an act?
Relationships: Cassian Andor/Jyn Erso, Joreth Sward/Astraia Sward
Series: rebelcaptain exchanges [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1588411
Comments: 81
Kudos: 213
Collections: The RebelCaptain Network Secret Santa Exchange





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SunburnStardust](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunburnStardust/gifts).



> Written for the Rebelcaptain Secret Santa, I chose the prompt "I should have told you this a long time ago." My giftee also mentioned that she likes slow burn and fake dating so I took all that and ran with it.
> 
> Originally, this is not the fic I wanted to write but this one felt more right somehow. However, it means I had to split it in two chapters because the second half isn't completely done yet. The first scene is the present, the rest are all flashbacks. Angsty for now but it gets better. Hope you like it and Merry Christmas :)

Jyn had a plan. It wasn’t much of a plan, as far as plans went – more of a guideline, if they were being technical – but it was something. It was the principal of it all; the determination it took to even come up with one. She was resolute. No backdowns, no second chances. This was her moment. And she would damn well make it count.

The plan consisted of five steps, easily manageable, nothing too daunting. Too simple, perhaps, but she needed simple to succeed. Simple made the plan seem like it wasn’t life-changing. Like she wouldn’t come out at the end of it all either deliriously happy or crushingly heartbroken. She needed simple so she kept to the plan. Tried to, at least.

Step one: find Cassian. Step two: get Cassian alone somewhere – his quarters, a quiet secluded corner, any place where they won’t be interrupted. Step three: tell Cassian she loved him. Step four: breathe. Just breathe. Step five: wait for a response?

Jyn twisted her hands, exhaling a shaky breath. This was a risk, one that could end their friendship and ruin the cozy little home she’d made for herself since she joined the Rebellion. She hadn’t felt so grounded in years and Cassian was a cornerstone of that. Without him, it would all fall apart, crumble to dust. Without him, there was no foundation, just paper-thin walls and bare rooms.

But loving him felt like Corellian rum and Jyn couldn’t take it anymore. Couldn’t go back to being just friends. Not after last year, not after being _married_ to him. Not really him, of course, but kind of him. Joreth was a far cry from Cassian and yet he was Cassian at the same time. Every day, she went to sleep next to him and woke up next to him, ate breakfast and dinner together, brushed their teeth side by side before bed. They went for walks and he bought her flowers and she kissed his cheek as he left for work in the morning. They drank Corellian rum and gossiped about their neighbors. He’d taken her to balls and restaurants and museums. They had a life – it was not their life but they lived it. She didn’t want to go back to that but it was enough to make her realize that she wanted more. She wanted their own life, whatever that meant: suicide missions and Death Stars and snarky Imperial droids. She wanted so damn much.

The foundation was always Cassian and she wanted to build on that.

So she made a five-step plan and ignored the warning voices screaming in her brain. It was all going to be fine, right?

All that was left was actually telling Cassian. Jyn took another breath and tried again.

“I should have told you this a long time ago.” No, that wasn’t right. “I wanted to tell you that – ugh. Last year when we were married –” _Stop thinking of it as marriage, it was a mission._ “I just wanted to say… and there’s no pressure or anything…” Jyn stopped, words failing her. Exasperated, she threw her hands up and said, “Wanna hook up?”

“Who are you talking to?”

Jyn wheeled around, eyes widening as she took in the sight of Cassian hovering by the door. How did she not hear him enter? Spending a year as an Imperial housewife made her weak.

“Cassian, hey.”

He stepped inside, giving her a curious look. Right. Just how much of that did he hear? This was not how she was supposed to tell him. Although… it was not like she actually had a better speech prepared.

Fighting her nerves, she tried to appear casual. “Sorry, I don’t mean to impose, I just wanted to talk to you.”

“Jyn, you’re always welcome here, you know that.”

And she did, she knew that, but the way he crossed his arms was wary. Guarded. It set her on edge. What if he didn’t want to hear this, what if it was the last thing he needed from her? She was putting him in an uncomfortable position, making him have to gently turn down his closest friend, making him wonder why the hell she just couldn’t keep it in her pants.

This was already off to a great start.

“Right.” Jyn nodded, trying to shake off her doubts. She made a commitment. It was time to pull through. Whatever happened would happen. “It’s kinda about that, actually.”

She paused, unsure where to start. _The plan_ – fuck. Which step was next? Step one: find Cassian, step two: get Cassian alone, step three: tell Cassian you love him. Kriff, was it step three already?

“Uhm… so I – I just –”

“Jyn, you can tell me anything.”

“Right. I know.” Except this. “So I’m just gonna say it, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I’m just going to say it and then it’ll be out there.” Cassian didn’t reply but he was starting to look at her like she’d lost her mind. Maybe she had. Jyn took a deep breath. _Just say it._ “I love you.”

There. It was out there. And she couldn’t breathe.

Step four: breathe. Just breathe, Jyn.

She inhaled shaky breaths, trying not to tremble. Cassian was quiet for a long time. Too long. She stared at him, trying to see what he was thinking, how he was feeling, but she was too nervous to make anything of his quiet serious expression. Her mind was a jumbled mess and he was looking at her like a kriffing brick wall.

“What do you mean?” he said at last, voice just as neutral as his face.

Jyn frowned at him, confused. Okay, not exactly the reaction she was hoping for. He was deadly calm, no chips in his armor, no signs that his closest friend had just confessed love to him. No signs that he even registered what she had said. That, or he just didn’t care at all.

“What do I –”

“Jyn, I need you to be specific.” He took a step closer, his movements controlled in a way that meant he was holding himself back. The calm neutrality was gone just as fast as it had appeared; his words were strained and she caught a glimmer of desperation in his eyes. Her frown deepened.

“I love you,” she repeated with more emphasis, a hint of impatience in her voice. How much more specific did he need? Clearly, she was not confessing to _platonic_ _love_ with all this fuss.

But he didn’t relent, staring at her with questions in those dark intense eyes, and Jyn tried to put it into words. “Look, this past year made me realize some stuff –”

Before she could continue, Cassian’s face clouded. “So this is about the Coruscanti mission?”

“No. Well, yes, a little bit, but –”

He stepped away, shoulders sagging. A beat later and all his emotions were stripped from his face again. Jyn got a whiplash from the speed of it.

“You should take some time to clear your head and move past that mission.”

She shook her head, unsure what was happening.

“Cassian, I have.”

“No, without me.”

_What?_

Jyn paused, her heart dropping at those words, uttered without a single tinge of remorse. Without him?

“What are you talking about?”

Cassian didn’t look her in the eye. “We’ve been back for two weeks and we’ve hardly been apart.”

“Well, we’re friends,” Jyn said, some self-preserving part of her trying to keep this from happening. What she could feel was going to happen. How did this turn around so quickly – one minute she was telling him she loved him, the next he was talking about… what, ending their friendship? Over this? It wasn’t worth it. If he didn’t love her, she could accept it; it would hurt like a bitch but she’d move on. She didn’t want to lose him for good because of it.

Her heart was racing as she watched him not even acknowledge her words.

“We spent the whole year undercover as a married Imperial couple. You should take some time to remember who you are without me. Who _Jyn_ is, not Astraia.”

Jyn stared at him, incredulous. So he would not even tell her that he didn’t feel the same, he would just pretend it wasn’t happening. Her fists curled. If there was any part of her that wanted to take it back and go back to what they had been, it was now overshadowed by the anger thrumming in her veins. He was acting like she wasn’t even worth taking seriously.

“Are you listening to me?” She tried to catch his eyes, tried to make him hear her. Listen and respond. “I said _I love you._ ”

Cassian shook his head and turned away. His words were quiet but they rang loudly in the silence of the room.

“I can’t.”

And he left, walked out of his own quarters just to get away from her. Jyn stared after him, limbs heavy, eyes stinging, heart in her throat.

In all her imaginary scenarios, she thought he’d be at least gentle. Kind. Tell her something that would make her want to sob with heartbreak because she couldn’t hate him, not when he was so patient and understanding. She’d be relieved because at least she’d have told him and she’d know the answer, even if that answer was a no. They could still be friends.

But Cassian walked out and he’d barely looked at her or acknowledged what she said. He’d walked out and all but told her to leave him alone. _Without me._ There was no without him, not for her –

But apparently there was for him.

Jyn pressed a hand against her mouth, the reality of the situation sinking in as she took in the empty room around her. Doubling over, she squeezed her eyes shut against the sight. He was gone, he didn’t feel the same, it was all in her head. And now he didn’t want anything to do with her either.

The realization burned like Corellian rum in her veins.

* * *

**DAY 0**

“How long is this going to take again?”

Cassian gave her a long-suffering look, perched in his seat with a datapad on his lap. “As long as it needs to.”

Jyn hummed noncommittally, already looking forward to the end of this mission. She was staring at a sleeveless pink button up in her hands, despair growing like weed in her chest. This was to be her wardrobe for who knows how long. Pink shirts and ball gowns and her hair loose and flowing. War was preferable to _this_.

“I’m just asking, in your estimations, how long will we have to stay on Coruscant? Give or take?”

“Jyn –”

“Just give me a number.”

Cassian sighed and put his datapad aside. He folded his hands in his lap, the expression of a man who was regretting his life choices severely. “A standard year. Eight months. Six months. I can’t possible tell you.”

Jyn switched tactics. “Okay, what was your longest undercover mission?”

“A standard year and six months.”

“Oh, _wow_.” Jyn paused, scrunching up her nose. “You don’t think this will take that long, do you?”

“No, I don’t. But anything is possible and you,” he gave her a meaningful look, “should be prepared.” He stopped, shaking his head at her in disapproval. “You shouldn’t have agreed to it if you’re going to be like this the whole time.”

“And leave you alone with some rookie for a year and six months? Nah.”

“Lieutenant Ros is hardly a rookie – nevermind. Well, then you better get used to the idea. You’ll be seeing a lot more of me for a while.”

That was the least of her worries, to be honest. The whole Core World Imperial planet thing rang much more alarm bells in her head.

And the clothes too, a little bit.

“I think I’ll deal.”

“We might have to kiss sometimes,” he pointed out, as if he was expecting her to protest.

In response, Jyn leaned over and quickly pressed her lips to his. “There. Is that all?”

“We _can’t_ break cover,” he emphasized again and she rolled her eyes. They’d been over this, at least a thousand times. She wasn’t a moron. “Even in our own apartment. For the next several months, you have to _be_ Astraia.”

“Yes, yes, I get it, Captain,” Jyn said, annoyed. “I do have one question, though.”

“Yeah?”

She held back a smirk, asking, very seriously, “If our apartment is bugged, will it be weird that we’re not having sex?”

Cassian said nothing for a moment, blinking. Then he shook his head, giving her an unamused look before he turned away. “Shut up.”

Jyn laughed, her annoyance over the pink shirt forgotten.

“Maybe we’ll just make sex noises from time to time, make them believe we’re doing it.”

“Oh, for the love of –”

“Hey, you said it yourself,” she said to his back, mock-defensive. “We can’t break cover. You really think Astraia and Joreth wouldn’t be doing it all the time everywhere?”

“Hmpf.”

“Thought so.”

Cassian turned back to her, exasperation clear on his face, but Jyn smiled because she thought she caught a hint of fondness too.

“Aren’t you prepared to do anything for the cause, Captain?”

“I’m prepared to put up with you for months, it seems.”

“Ha-ha.”

“Listen,” Cassian said and Jyn sobered up at the severity of his voice. “I know this isn’t going to be easy for you; doing nothing, playing the Imperial housewife for months, no contact with anyone from the Rebellion –”

“Way to sell it,” she muttered under her breath.

“But I appreciate what you’re doing. You didn’t have to come with me.”

Jyn shrugged, looking down at the shirt in her hands. “Like I said, I wasn’t going to let you go without me.”

Even if she was probably going to go crazy on this mission.

With a nonchalant shrug, she looked up and tried to change the subject. “So any last tips on Astraia?”

Cassian’s lips pulled into a smirk. “It’s really easy. Just pretend you love me.”

* * *

**DAY 1**

Astraia and Joreth Sward arrived on the last day of the weeklong Carnival Week in the middle of the night, rousing some unfortunate realtor from her sleep so she could show them the most expensive available apartments she had.

“The best for my wife,” Joreth had said and Astraia gave him a coy smile as the agent blinked sleep out of her eyes and hurried to fulfill his request. They had money, they had status, and Joreth Sward was a promising Imperial officer, just recently promoted and quickly rising in ranks. There was little he couldn’t do in his new slice of kingdom and spoiling his wife was a favorite pastime of his. Of Astraia’s too, for that matter.

They met a little over a year ago and were married three months later, a fast, passionate romance, the kind that deserved its own holomovie, Astraia would say. Joreth joked that he would make it happen for her – he would make anything happen for her. He’d promised her the world and he was here to deliver.

When they looked at the apartments, one by one, he waited for Astraia’s shake of her head or nod of approval before making his decision. What didn’t please her didn’t please him. It was at the third apartment that she grinned at him, bright as day.

“This is it. This is the one.”

Spacious, completely furnished, a grand electric fireplace, and a bathtub big enough to fit in six fully grown men. It was exactly what Astraia wanted.

Joreth nodded. “We’ll take it.”

Another hour later, and they were toasting to their new apartment and new beginnings, the fire burning low in the background and the floor to ceiling windows giving a magnificent view to the bright sparkling city lights. Coruscant never slept but all Astraia and Joreth had eyes for was each other.

“To our new life,” Joreth said as their glasses clinked.

“To our new life,” Astraia echoed as fireworks flew up outside and lit up the dark sky.

For a moment, Joreth’s eyes softened and a mellow wistful smile pulled at his lips.

“Welcome home, darling.”

That was the last she saw of Cassian for a long long time.

* * *

**DAY 18**

Corellian rum was Joreth Sward’s favorite alcohol. He drank it when he was happy, he drank it when he was upset, and he drank it on nights when he had nothing better to do.

Astraia didn’t begrudge him that, though she did wish he spent a little less time drinking with her and a little more time talking to her. Joreth got condescending when he was drunk – at least, until he drank enough to get sappy and doting and, frankly, a bit touchy-feely. That wasn’t so bad, she guessed, but he usually didn’t get to that part, not on average nights like this. He just got stuck at condescending.

That was usually the only time they fought and Astraia was feeling like fighting now.

“You promised,” she said as they stood side by side at the sink, each holding a toothbrush in hand. Astraia spat, rinsed, then turned an accusing look on her husband, jabbing the end of her toothbrush into his chest like a mini sword. “You fucking promised me, Joreth.”

“Look, I told you, darling. I’m swamped.”

“It’s barely been three weeks since you started, you can’t possibly be that swamped.”

“Oh, you wanna trade places? I’ll be happy to stay home and do nothing all day while you do the hard part.”

“Shut up, Joreth, I’m _bored_ ,” she said, her voice turning whiny. Jyn was getting used to this – she really was bored, and at least Astraia’s need for attention gave her something to complain about.

“Well, I gotta make the big bucks, honey, or we won’t be able to afford your luxurious lifestyle, now will we?”

Astraia slammed her toothbrush down on the sink and turned to walk back to their bedroom. Of course, Joreth was hot behind her, suddenly all pleading and apologetic.

“Astraia. Astraia, come on, don’t be like that.”

She wheeled on him, jabbing her finger into his chest, now that she was lacking in toothbrushes.

“You _promised_. I was looking forward to that show all week!”

“There’ll be other shows, honey. Or you can go alone –”

“I don’t want to go alone! What’s the point of going alone so that sleazy old men can hit on me and the other wives will be looking at me pityingly, asking, where’s your husband, honey? And I’ll say, well, he chose his work over me but he _graciously_ let me come alone so here I am. Your kids are looking lovely, Elys, more champagne?”

Joreth didn’t seem angry now, a smirk on his face. “You’re sexy when you’re angry.”

Astraia shoved him. “Joreth!”

He held up his hands in a placating gesture and when she didn’t move, he slowly placed them on her shoulders and gave her a pleading look. That was what he did, treated her like a petulant child until she caved in. She always caved in.

“I promise I’ll make it up to you, darling.”

“You promise, huh?”

“I do. Just not now.” He gave her a patronizing smile and all the fight left her body at once. They’d had this fight before and she was tired. “Everything I do, the work I’m doing, it’s all for you. So I can buy you pretty gifts and take you on cruises and give you the life you deserve. You understand, right?”

Astraia closed her eyes, blowing out a breath. “I do.”

“Good.” He pressed a kiss to her hair and without waiting for a response, he headed back to their bedroom. Astraia could hear the covers rustling as he settled under them. Her heart was beating fast in her chest but that was Jyn’s reaction to his proximity, not Astraia’s. She wasn’t used to that yet, wasn’t sure she ever would be. It was a whole new level of self-control to be doing this with Cassian and not really be doing it at all. Married but decidedly _not_ married. And now she had to go and lie in bed next to him, pretending it was natural and not at all excruciating.

 _You have to_ be _Astraia._ She was trying so damn hard.

“Are you coming to bed?”

Astraia sighed and nodded, shaking off Jyn’s lingering thoughts, focusing on staying in character. Joreth was a condescending drunk, sure. But he would make it up to her, he always made it up to her.

* * *

**DAY 124**

Astraia loved these galas. The people, the drinks, the food, _the gossip_ – it was her playground. There was power to putting on high heels and a red dress and turning every men’s head in the room. That was, after all, how she met Joreth. But most of all, she liked how important it made her feel.

The waiters serving her champagne, the less prestigious currying favor with her, the other wives of high-ranking Imperial officers inviting her over for tea. The men were ever so charmed by her poise and wit as she subtly praised Joreth to his boss like any good wife should. She was able to command their attention with a simple flip of her hair, got them to hang onto her every word. There was no shame in a little flirting – Force knows, Joreth did it all the time.

But he went wild when _she_ did it and that was part of the fun. She liked to tease him a little, even if it meant that he left her in the company of the most boring talkative old hag in the entire room. The bastard even had the nerve to smirk at her from where he was standing, talking to another gentleman, champagne glass in hand.

Astraia turned her head, tried not to look like she was seething, and pretended to listen to what the old woman was saying. She could be eating shrimp right now, gossiping with the other wives, instead of listening to this fossil recount stories from the stone age.

“A glass of champagne for my lovely wife,” a voice interrupted and Astraia turned to see Joreth approaching them. _Thank the Force._

“Aren’t you two sweet?” the lady smiled – if Astraia could only remember her name. Maybe something with a P? Or was it a B? “How did you two meet?”

Joreth gestured around, smiling as Astraia took the champagne from his hand and gratefully gulped down a few sips. She recognized that smile on his face. It was the expression he wore when he was being polite but secretly thinking that he was better than whoever he was talking to. He used that on her, sometimes.

“At a gala similar to this. We were on Hosnian Prime and she was the most beautiful woman in the room. I noticed her instantly, of course. She did not – but that’s hardly surprising when every men in the room was vying for her attention. I waited, bided my time until I could catch her alone and… well, she left with me that night.”

The self-satisfaction in his eyes was almost offending and if they were alone, Astraia would have elbowed him in the side for it.

“I’m a very lucky man,” he finished and he actually sounded like he meant it. Astraia gulped and focused her attention on the bubbles in her glass.

He was a pig but he could sweettalk her like no other and his eyes could get so intense and consuming, it hurt to look at him sometimes. Now that she was thinking about it, his hand on her waist was warm and distracting. He was standing very close, his body heat seeping into her, setting her heart racing. He looked more handsome in a suit than every men in this room put together and the way he had looked at her earlier when she walked out in her red dress –

For a moment, Jyn forgot where she was and who she was supposed to be. Cassian glanced at her and held her gaze for a second. She never thought he’d look at her like that, like he wanted her too. She was hardly breathing.

“Do you two have kids?”

And the spell was broken. Astraia turned back to the lady watching them curiously, blinking in surprise.

“Oh, no –”

“Not yet,” Joreth cut in, a polite smile on his lips.

The lady tsked and playfully touched Joreth’s arm. “You ought to work on that soon, my dears. You will make very pretty babies.”

“We will,” he agreed and set down his empty glass of champagne on a tray as a waiter passed by. “Do you mind if I steal my wife for a dance?”

The lady gestured to go ahead, giving them a wistful smile as Astraia took Joreth’s offered hand, letting him lead her to the dancefloor. She was too hung up on what he said to be relieved.

“I didn’t know we wanted children,” she remarked, taking care to keep her voice neutral as she put her hands on Joreth’s shoulders.

He gave her another smile – the placating one. She really wanted to punch him in the mouth for it.

“With your genes and mine, it would be a disservice to the galaxy not to have kids. Besides, you’ll need something to occupy your days,” he paused, giving her a meaningful look, “since you’re so _bored_.”

Astraia pressed her lips together, wiser than to have this conversation right here, right now. At least it was good to know that was what Joreth saw in their future.

He spun her around the floor and Jyn tried not to shake at the way he pressed her up against his body. “Don’t worry, dear. You’ll make an excellent mother.”

Jyn took a deep breath. She had to focus – she was angry at him right now.

Astraia closed her eyes, channeling all her patience. She didn’t want to fight about this here but she had to insult him somehow. It was that or step on his foot and he’d appreciate that less.

“You smell like shit,” she told him because it was true. Joreth had taken up cigarettes since they moved to Coruscant – _everyone here is doing it, sweetheart. I won’t be the odd one out._ She hated it, of course she hated it, but when did he care about that? He gave her everything she wanted, but not if it diverged from what _he_ wanted. That was always the deal, she knew that the day she married him. She just didn’t think it would bother her quite so much.

“Thanks a lot, sweetheart,” he commented drily. Before she could respond, a man in uniform cut in, introducing himself to her husband. Joreth’s boss’ son. Inviting him to come talk with them over a cigar. Of course, he was.

“Joreth,” she said, catching his arm before he left without looking back. “You promised me at least one dance. Not half a dance.”

He looked at her for a second, his expression blank. She could see he was at the end of his patience with her for the night because his gaze was cold when he looked at her.

“You need a hobby, sweetheart,” he said simply. “Maybe get a job.”

Then he leaned in and kissed her cheek, the gesture strangely patronizing. Astraia felt no affection at the press of his lips and he left without waiting for a response. She watched him go, a sour feeling in her stomach. He was leaving her behind.

* * *

**DAY 201**

“Honey?” Astraia threw her coat on the rack, heading towards Joreth’s home office. Excitement bubbled in her chest. She’d barely seen Joreth all week, one meeting after another then another, but tonight, _tonight_ , they would celebrate. “I got you a bottle of Corellian rum –”

She stopped short as she rounded into his office, narrowing her eyes as he held up a finger without looking up. His gaze was fixed on the datapad in his hand.

“What is this?” Astraia demanded, voice rising in indignation.

Joreth glanced up for a second but barely seemed to see her. “Astraia, can we do this later? I’m swamped.”

“ _No_! No, we cannot – Joreth!” She watched incredulously as he turned back to his work, tapping something on the screen a few times.

“Thank you for understanding, sweetheart,” he told her, clearly not listening to anything she just said. The words were dismissive.

“This is unbelievable. You’re unbelievable.”

She threw her hands up, turning around to stalk out of his office but something stopped her. He’d played this game with her long enough. She wheeled back to face him.

“You know what, I’m not leaving this room until you put down your stupid datapad and fucking talk to me. Are you listening, look at me, Joreth. It’s your fucking _birthday_!”

His eyes were still glued to his datapad, ignoring her, still working, even today –

“We were supposed to spend the night together. I got you your favorite rum. I got you your favorite meal, do you know how much it cost? Joreth – Joreth – _Joreth_!”

“Dammit, Astraia, I don’t have time for you right now!” he burst out but immediately looked like he regretted it when she reeled back. Letting out a long sigh, he finally put his datapad aside. She watched silently as he closed his eyes before rising.

Joreth walked around his desk, hands raised in a placating gesture as he approached her. She had half the mind to pull away before he touched her but instead, she stood still as he placed his hands on her shoulders. She just wanted one damn night with her husband, why was that such a difficult request?

“Astraia, I’m sorry.” He paused, looking into her eyes, and she hated that he actually seemed remorseful. She wanted to stay angry but she couldn’t handle those deep brown eyes pleading with her like that. “I’m just… very busy. You understand, right?”

She was quiet, looking at a spot on the wall behind him. He would get to her, he always did. There was no point in fighting.

“I do,” she whispered, deflating like a balloon. Joreth nodded when she looked back at him, giving her a small smile. She tried to return it but she was not sure how sincere it was.

“Tomorrow, I’ll buy you something pretty,” he said, already moving back to his desk now that his wife was placated. “What would you like, hmm? Maybe a new diamond necklace? A pair of shoes? Earrings?”

Astraia shrugged, watching as he sat back down, datapad in hand, distracted already.

“Earrings sound nice,” she muttered. He wasn’t paying attention anymore.

* * *

**DAY 202**

“I have a surprise for you, darling,” Joreth crooned into her ear as he walked up behind her. Astraia dropped her hairbrush, tilting her head to get a better look at him.

“Oh, really?” She could still hear an edge in her tone, not quite over the fiasco from yesterday. It had happened one too many times for her to just quietly let it go.

But Joreth just smiled, unphased by her frostiness.

“You’ll like it. Come on.” He held out his hand and she took it after a moment of consideration because what else was she gonna do? Joreth’s surprises were always spectacular. And sure enough, he led her to the dining room where she stopped short in amazement. Soft music, candles all around, two glasses of wine, a table elegantly set and full of delicious-looking meals. She turned to him with wide eyes and he smiled at her.

“I know we didn’t get to celebrate yesterday but I have time now. It’s your night, it’s all your favorites. And the gift is for you, as well.”

She said nothing as he walked to the table, taking it all in. It smelled amazing and the candles created a soft romantic ambiance that he knew she liked. She knew he didn’t actually make any of the food but the effort was noted and appreciated.

“This is... wow.”

“You like it?”

“It smells good,” she admitted, taking a step closer. Joreth pulled out her chair, tucked her in, the whole deal. It was what he’d used to do when he was still courting her.

“And here it is.” He pulled out a black long-shaped box, tied with a silver ribbon. “Your gift.”

Astraia took it with careful hands, lifting the lid to reveal a beautiful silver diamond necklace. Three small stones in the shape of a heart hang from the pendant. She had said earrings, she thought for a second, but dispelled that thought. Nevermind. It was beautiful, and she told him so, smiling.

“You deserve the best, my love,” he said, putting a hand on hers, gently stroking the skin. Her pulse picked up – he always had such an effect on her. Like they were teenagers. “And the only gift I need is your company.”

Joreth sure knew how to grovel, she had to give him that. With a quiet tinkling laugh, she motioned for him to help her. He rose from his seat, brushing her hair aside to place the necklace around her neck and clip it in place. The hair on the back of her neck stood up. His touch was gentle and teasing – barely there and just enough to make her crave more. A soft little sound escaped her mouth as he flattened his palm against her skin, and she was not sure if it came from Astraia or Jyn. The lines were always blurry when Cassian – Joreth? – _Cassian_ was concerned.

“Thank you,” Astraia breathed, unable to say anything else for fear that Jyn will slip out. Mostly, she just wished that Cassian would step away and damn well stop touching her like that. She wanted to kiss him so badly and it would not be out of character. That was what made it so difficult to resist. She could push him to the carpet in their living room in front of the fireplace and make love to him all night and it would not be out of character at all.

But she couldn’t take advantage of him because of their situation, it was not right. He couldn’t say no. And she couldn’t tell him how much she wanted it. It was not how she wanted their first time to be like.

But she would tell him. Someday, when they are done with this. Jyn swore it to herself and it seemed like an easy promise to make in the soft glow of the candles, Cassian’s gaze on her like a gentle caress.

Joreth stepped away, returning to his seat. There was something deep and dangerous in his eyes that Jyn wasn’t sure belonged to Joreth at all. It was all so confusing.

Astraia cleared her throat, shaking Jyn off. She gestured to the five-course meal Joreth had procured for her. “Then let’s eat.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So don't be too mad at Cassian, he's an idiot but he has his reasons.
> 
> I started the second chapter but I have final exams on the 16th so I probably won't be able to update until after that. It's going to cover the rest of their year undercover and then ofc the aftermath of Cassian's rejection.
> 
> And I'm curious what you thought about the Astraia & Joreth parts because I know it's not _exactly_ Jyn and Cassian so I was a bit wary that people wouldn't care about that part, but it felt important to show the year they had together. It'll play into their confrontation scene later.
> 
> Thank you for reading, and as always, you can find me on tumblr [here](https://captainandors.tumblr.com/).


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who's back, back again
> 
> I'm incredibly sorry about how long it took me to finish this, I truly didn't plan to take so much time. This story was honestly quite challenging for me. There was supposed to be more scenes with Joreth and Astraia that weren't actually working and I tried to make them work for a long time before I realized I had to let them go. That was partly what took me so long. But all of you who commented, liked, or told me they were excited for the next chapter, you helped me so much to get this done. I'm not sure I could have finished this without the encouragement so thank you so much <3
> 
> so without further ado, here's the conclusion

**DAY 326**

Cassian was very pretty in the morning. She’d watch him for months now: hair tousled, face smooth, mouth slightly open – but she could never quite get used to the sight. It was a stolen moment that didn’t belong to her, it belonged to Astraia and Joreth, but the unspoken intimacy couldn’t be faked. Cassian trusted her like this, with his vulnerability, with having his back, _with his life._ That didn’t belong to Astraia and Joreth at all.

This was the only part of the day that Jyn let herself _be_ herself. They couldn’t monitor her thoughts, not yet anyway, but if she was thinking like Jyn, she’d behave like Jyn. So she made sure to think like Astraia and behave like Astraia. In these early mornings, however, when no one was up yet, she could allow herself to think like Jyn for a while. She had to, or else she might lose herself, and Jyn didn’t want to be stuck with Astraia or whatever hollow shell would remain after her once this was over.

She very much wanted to be able to go back to Jyn and she hoped Cassian kept himself sane too because she wanted him back with her. When this was over, she was going to tell him how she felt and she needed him to be _Cassian_ for that. It seemed so easy like this, in the quiet untouched intimacy of their mornings. They could have this – except real and _better_. They could have it forever. Jyn liked that idea.

She touched a hand to his hair, gently running her fingers through the strands. He slept soundly but that was courtesy to the pills that he took every night. That _they_ took every night. They both hated it and it wasn’t ideal, but neither was waking up in the middle of the night screaming from a nightmare or war flashback. It would get suspicious pretty quickly if someone was monitoring them – and Joreth was a new employee with a bright promising career and access to confidential information; he was almost certainly monitored to some extent. Cassian hadn’t been kidding when he said they couldn’t break cover in their own apartment. That left them with the pills.

At least it got him to sleep eight full hours almost every day – that was more than she could say for his sleeping pattern back at the base. Perhaps someday they’d be lucky enough to sleep soundly without pills, if they ever made it to that point, if the war ever ended. It was a pipe dream, childish and naïve, but Jyn liked to imagine it in moments like this. They’d settle down, learn to heal, grow old together. A fantasy, but today, she felt hopeful.

Cassian was almost finished with his mission and Joreth and Astraia could disappear, caught up in the problems in their marriage. Jyn finally let herself think it: they were going home soon.

* * *

**DAY 329**

Joreth was late again. The third time this week and Astraia knew exactly where he was – or more importantly, _who_ he was with. She knew what he was doing. She knew he would lie about it when he came home. And she knew she was not going to be the sheltered clueless wife anymore.

If he wanted to play that way, ditching her and not answering to her messages – fine, they could play that way. Astraia had a few cards up her sleeve as well.

A thousand possibilities ran through her mind – get some guy and screw him, let him come home to _that_. Pack her things and disappear, at least for a while, make him think he lost her, make him sweat and worry and regret. March over there and kick him in the balls. _Hard_.

They were all options worth considering. But the vicious rage and the need to confront him and _that bitch_ won out. Astraia was not going to be ignored anymore.

The building was dark at this hour of the night as she made her way into the elevator and pressed the number to Joreth’s floor. It seemed that most employees have already left for the day, and his office was one of the only ones where the light was still on. How convenient, she thought with a twist of anger. What an easy setting for his little affair with his little secretary. It was a cliché and if Astraia hated anything more than cheating, it was clichés.

When she stepped into his office, he was alone, sitting at his desk, slumped over his datapad. Astraia took a second to suppress her shock at finding him alone while surprise flickered on his face as well. Still, this didn’t mean she was wrong about his affair.

“Astraia. What are you doing here?”

She took a step forward, her eyes scanning the room almost in hysteria. “Where is she?”

Joreth stood up, looking around as well. “Who, darling?”

“Don’t play dumb, where’s your whore? That redhead bitch?”

He paused and she could see a spark of fear flash in his eyes. Still, he kept calm, his face neutral. “Do you mean Petra? She left already.”

Astraia was tired of beating around the bush. “Did you sleep with her?”

“What?” For his part, he sounded truly indignant, but then again, Joreth was an excellent liar. “Where is this coming from?”

Without answering, she leaned in and sniffed at his shoulder, cringing when the aroma of strong perfume hit her nose. It smelled like low-quality crap that they sold for way too much credits to gullible women. Even her perfume was fake. Astraia pulled away in disgust.

“You smell like her.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” he said, a hint of anger coloring his voice. He was getting annoyed and that meant she was onto something. “We work together.”

Was he being defensive? The recognition hit her like a train and her heart sank as her fears were confirmed. She hadn’t realized a part of her had hoped to be proven wrong, longing for the reassurance that she was the only woman for him. Blindsided, she stumbled away from him like he had dealt a physical blow.

“Oh, fuck. You _did_. You slept with her.”

“No.” He shook his head, stepping closer, though he thankfully refrained from touching her. He seemed to get a little desperate as he watched tears well in her eyes. “Astraia, no.”

“No? No? Then – what? What happened?”

He stopped, blew out a breath, shook his head.

“It was just… It meant nothing. _She_ kissed me and I should have pulled away – but I didn’t.”

She hit his chest, pushing until he stumbled. She knew very well that he could have caught himself if he wanted to – but he allowed himself to fall, crashing against the edge of his desk. Saying nothing.

It hurt to breathe. She didn’t want to be here, look at him, talk to him. She didn’t want to know him at all.

“Was it only once?” she found herself whispering, staring at a spot on the floor. It was blurry; she could barely make out the patterns of the carpet. Her voice was weak and pathetically small.

“Astraia…”

From the corner of her eyes, she could see him take a step closer and she pulled away, terrified that he might touch her and soothe all her concerns. Like he always did. The spark of anger ignited again and she turned her glare on him.

“Fuck you,” she spit at him, daring him with her eyes to come closer, see what happened. “What does she think will happen? Did you tell her you’d leave me?”

“Of course not,” he said and he sounded incredulous, almost offended at the idea. Astraia wanted to laugh.

“Good. Because you’re not. I will _not_ let you pull this crap on me after everything.”

Even if she had to stay with him and endure his unfaithfulness and disinterest, she would not let him walk away and leave her in ruins like she meant nothing. She would not let that whore get everything. And if Astraia decided to leave and end it, it would be on her terms – not his.

“Astraia, I –” He took a look around his office and blew out a slow tired sigh. “Can we just go and talk about this at home?”

“Oh, now you want to go home? You’re never home anymore! You’re always working or fucking your secretary and blowing me off!”

Astraia stopped, watching him stand there with his hands in his pockets, looking uncomfortable and maybe a tinge remorseful. It was like she was seeing a whole different person altogether. Sure, Joreth was always selfish. He was always an ass. He was condescending and patronizing as shit. But he loved her – or she’d thought he did. He used to.

“Ever since we got here, you’ve changed,” she continued, trying to find any piece of the man she had used to know. “All you care about is your stupid boss and your stupid colleagues and your stupid job.”

A cord seemed to have snapped in Joreth and he lost his cool.

“This is what you wanted!” he burst out, opening his arms wide. “Did you think money just falls into your lap while you sit at home and twiddle your thumbs? _It doesn’t._ You wanted me to take this job, you wanted to live on Coruscant. And now what do you want me to do, quit?”

“Maybe!” she snapped, unaware of how much she actually wanted it until he said it aloud. Yes, away from Coruscant, on a smaller, less populated planet – where he would go to work in the morning and _come home_ at night. She had thought she wanted this, but perhaps what she wanted wasn’t what she needed.

“Then who would buy you your pretty little dresses and jewelry?” he sneered at her, cold.

Astraia shook her head. He really didn’t get it.

“No, Joreth. You think it all revolves around you. You buy me jewelry and kiss my head and that makes it all okay. But I want more than that. What about _me_?”

Joreth gave a sarcastic little scoff. “Don’t pretend that it’s me you want and not my money,” he said, and in that moment, she almost pitied him.

“Right now, I want nothing from you,” she said and watched as he stood still as a statue, eyes as cruel as she had ever seen. “If you’re so in love with your job, you can sleep here tonight.”

* * *

**DAY 335**

She hadn’t seen Joreth since their fight six days ago. She knew he’d been home because she saw the blankets on the couch the second day and his razor was left out on the sink. He must have sneaked in late at night and left early morning. She wasn’t sure if he was punishing her for banishing him or he was too cowardly to face her.

She hated that her traitorous heart seemed to miss him either way.

She knew what her friends would say if she told them what happened. _Make him work for it, but let him come home. Men are bound to have their dalliances. It’s normal. Don’t take it personally._

But Astraia’s mother had suffered her husband’s affairs her whole life and Astraia never wanted to end up like her. Drinking at noon and pretending she didn’t notice the lipstick stains on his white shirt. Astraia wouldn’t make excuses for Joreth. Still, it was undeniable that she _did_ love him and she hated being home without him.

So she went shopping, dined in restaurants, and treated herself to a few relaxing days of spa. She made sure she was never alone; bored imperial housewives were always willing to go out and ignore the crushing loneliness of their homes, and Astraia was pretty enough that she could easily pick up a wealthy businessman at a restaurant, flirt with him for a few hours, then have him pay the check as she left with the false promise that she’ll see him again soon.

It was how Joreth found her on the sixth day, sipping wine and smiling coyly as the man in the suit whose name she’d already forgotten ran his finger up and down her arm.

Astraia watched as Joreth looked around the restaurant for a second before his gaze settled on her. His eyes darkened as he took in the sight before him but his steps didn’t falter as he marched towards their table. Astraia was admittedly pleased to see the possessive spark in his eyes – perhaps if he lost his temper and punched the stranger, having to be escorted out by security, that would make a fine spectacle to amuse herself with.

“Astraia,” he said her name quietly just as the man in the suit turned to face him. “What are you doing?”

She said nothing and Suit frowned. “Who are you?”

“Who are _you_?” Joreth countered, and she noticed that the veins in his hand were bulging. He was holding a bouquet of roses – a classic but it would have meant more if his mistake wasn’t screwing his secretary.

Or kissing. Whatever. She wasn’t sure whether to believe Joreth’s claim that it was only one kiss one time.

“I’m her husband,” Joreth continued and Suit spluttered.

“You’re married?” He turned to her and Astraia shrugged, unapologetic. She had never said she was available, technically.

“Go away.” Joreth glowered, a low threat in his tone, and Suit was either reasonable or intimidated enough to comply. But not before sending a glare in both of their directions, muttering something about crazy bitches as he left.

So, no scene then. A pity.

Joreth sat down, looking like he was trying his best not to glare at her. At least, he was aware he had no business being angry with her.

She didn’t bother asking how he found her. She wasn’t stupid enough to think someone like Joreth wouldn’t have eyes on his wife at all times.

“You’re not wearing your ring,” he commented after he realized she wasn’t going to speak, eyeing the hand that was holding her wine glass.

She shrugged. “It discourages men from trying to pick me up and paying for my dinner.”

Joreth glowered in silence for a second, then let out a sigh and nodded. “You’ve made your point.”

“Have I?”

Without replying, he held out the roses towards her and she took it and dumped it unceremoniously on the floor.

“Is this your grand gesture?”

“I’m sorry.”

She snorted. “You’ve always been shit at apologizing. Too proud.”

“Not proud enough to lose you.”

She hummed and looked at her glass, feigning boredom. She could see Joreth floundering from the corner of his eyes. Usually, he had her whole attention when he was making amends.

“I got two tickets to the opera –”

“Mhmm.”

“You know, the play you wanted to see? It’s VIP.”

“Obviously.” She rolled her eyes. As if he would ever get anything else.

“I already cleared my schedule. I have no plans for that day and if something comes up, I told them to let someone else handle it.”

She looked at him then, assessing the sincerity in his eyes, and shook her head. “Not good enough.”

“Then what is? We can take a few days off. Or – a week, if you’d prefer. Shavit, two weeks, three weeks. Go on a vacation, just you and I. Whatever it is, just say the word.” He trailed off, growing desperate when he saw that she was holding her ground. His expressive brown eyes were wide as he blinked at her. “I don’t want to lose you, Astraia.”

Astraia was quiet. She knew what she wanted deep down and she barely took a moment to think about it before she blurted it out.

“Then let’s leave. Let’s go somewhere else. I _hate_ it here. I hate your job. I hate your stupid colleagues and all their stupid wives. I hate that you’re never around. They didn’t make you work this much on Atrisia.”

“You hated Atrisia.”

“Yes,” Astraia agreed emphatically, “but that’s not the point. We can go anywhere else.”

Joreth paused to think, but it was barely a second before he nodded. “If that’s what you want.”

“I want to see the galaxy.” Her mind was spinning with possibilities, slowly growing more and more excited as she imagined all the things they could do. “We have enough credits to take off a year or two and just travel.”

Joreth smiled, a slow warmth spreading across his face. “Then we will do that.”

Carefully, he leaned across the table and kissed her cheek. It was tender this time. It’d been a while since he kissed her like that.

“This isn’t me forgiving you yet,” she warned him when he pulled away but she felt that maybe she could, in time. If he was truly serious about this.

“I know.” He nodded as he leaned back in his seat. “I’ll work on it.”

“You could start with a pretty diamond necklace,” she told him idly as she picked up her glass again. Joreth smiled.

That was it then. The Swards had decided to leave. And soon, Jyn and Cassian could make their comeback.

* * *

**DAY 360**

Jyn had missed her own clothes. Out of everything, that was something that stuck out in particular. She’d hated Astraia’s wardrobe and how uncomfortable it was. How much it restricted her movements. The incredibly simple feeling of throwing on a shirt that belonged to her and had no frills or flowers and wasn’t the color pink, – with pants, not a skirt – it felt a bit like coming home. Because they _were_ going home. And she wouldn’t have to hear the name Astraia Sward again. For the most part.

Stepping out of her cabin, she joined Cassian in the common area, giving him a lingering look. He’d changed too, back to his trademark jacket and Alliance issued shirt and pants. He was still cleanshaven but his hair wasn’t slicked back anymore and Jyn was hit with the sudden urge to run her fingers through the strands. She hadn’t seen him like this in almost a standard year. They lived in close quarters for months on end and yet she felt closer to Cassian just looking at him now than anytime during their fake marriage.

Admittedly, there were moments she got caught up in the act. But none of those moments were really with Cassian and it was never any clearer than right here right now.

It was a staggering realization. She felt uncertainty creep up on her, the first soft tendrils of doubt. _Do you remember the promise you made?_ she asked herself. _What are you going to do about it now?_

Cassian saw her hesitate and gave her a quick onceover. “You okay?”

She nodded slowly, worrying her lip between her teeth. She decided to go with a half-truth.

“Yeah, it’s just a little strange. Being back in my own clothes.”

Cassian’s gaze turned knowing, although she suspected that he could tell there was something else bothering her. He could always tell when she was upset or worried or scared, just as she could tell the same about him. But they never pushed each other; it was an unspoken agreement.

“It’s not easy, I know. It messes with your head. You can get caught up in your character and forget who you are.”

Jyn frowned, taking a seat in front of him. “I don’t want to be stuck with Astraia. I _hated_ her.”

“I know. Me too.”

There was a teasing edge to his voice, an attempt to lighten the mood, and Jyn playfully punched him in the shoulder in response. “Hey, she was still not as bad as Joreth.”

“Agreed. Joreth was terrible.” There was a pause and when he continued, his voice was quieter, regretful. “I hated treating you that way.”

He was avoiding her eyes, staring at his lap, lost in his own thoughts. Jyn, emboldened by his apparent vulnerability, reached out and put her hand on top of his. His entire body stilled beneath her touch, and although he never raised his eyes to hers, she could feel him watching, waiting for her response.

“You didn’t,” she told him, her voice just as quiet and careful as his, every inch of her aware of the warmth of his skin under her palm. None of it had been him and no part of her held him responsible. The crushing loneliness she’d felt in her role, which she was almost certain he’d felt too; it was neither of their fault. It was just something they had to get through.

And though she hadn’t the courage yet to confess, it was alright. She knew the promise she’d made herself and she’d get there, eventually. She just needed a plan first.

* * *

**PRESENT DAY**

Jyn hadn’t seen Cassian in over three weeks. Not a peep in the mess hall, no sightings in the training room where they used to spar sometimes, no trace of him in the hangar bays or comm centers or conference rooms.

She knew that could only mean one thing: he was purposefully going out of his way to avoid her and because he was a spy, he knew how to make himself disappear without a problem. He was gone.

Not from the Alliance, just from her life. It stung like a bad itch she couldn’t get rid of and she was only making it worse by thinking about it.

He couldn’t disappear completely though, and although she didn’t see him, she heard about him. She knew he took someone else on a mission where he would have usually taken her and she hated that she felt a raw pang of possessiveness at the news. She hated that she knew no one else would be as good at having his back as she’d been and she hated that it worried her. She hated that she kept tabs on him to make sure he came back okay. Why should she care if he didn’t?

But of course, she couldn’t stop loving him at the snap of a finger. It didn’t work like that. Maybe if she could, she wouldn’t have made the mess that she had.

There was a part of her, at the beginning, which expected him to make amends. Which would have forgiven him too, if a little begrudgingly. But as the days passed and he continued to pretend they never meant anything to each other, Jyn began to wonder.

If Cassian hated her, what was the point of staying?

* * *

Jyn wanted not to care but she did. She really really did and it was obvious from the way she couldn’t stop herself from standing up for him when she heard those nerfherders talk shit about Cassian. It was not her business, she should have stayed out of it, but she never knew how to keep her mouth shut anyway.

It was a couple of recruits, too green to know better – they really should have known better – and they didn’t notice that she’d walked in the training center but oh, she did. And she was listening as soon as she heard his name mentioned.

“What about Captain Andor?” Jyn heard one of them say as the end of a longer conversation that she’d missed. “I mean he’s _hot_ with capital H.”

“Right, but he’s so uptight,” said another, half-heartedly punching the bag in front of her. “It’s like, what crawled up his ass and died there?”

A third one rubbed his hands together and smirked. There was a cruel spark in his eyes that immediately rubbed Jyn the wrong way. “I’d crawl up his ass and –”

“Hey!” Jyn cut in, standing closer as they all turned to look at her in surprise. The first speaker shrunk back from the intensity of her glare, clearly intimated – _good_ – but the second one seemed indifferent and almost bored, and the last one was still grinning. Jyn now saw a hint of anticipation in his smile. Fucker. “You shouldn’t talk that way about your superiors.”

“Hey, it’s all in good fun,” the guy said, short cropped hair, mean smile and meaner eyes. “We’re just messing around.”

“It’s disrespectful. You should know better.”

“Oh, come on, you can’t seriously stand here and defend the guy. He dumped you too, didn’t he?”

“Excuse me?” Jyn said, voice low and dangerous as she took a menacing step closer. Was this guy stupid or did he want to get beaten?

“Leo, don’t –” one of the girls began but it was too late. _Leo_ was clearly enjoying this too much, the shit-eating grin widening on his face.

“Well, he did, didn’t he? That’s why the two of you are not eye-fucking each other all the time anymore, right?” He pretended to think, snapping his fingers as if something just occurred to him. “Or was it the other way around?”

Jyn stared quietly, summoning every ounce of her self-control to keep herself from breaking his nose. That was what he wanted, riling her up. What was his goal? A fight? He’d be stupid to think he could take her.

She stayed silent, not rising to the bait. A skinny little runt like him shouldn’t get under her skin like this but Cassian was her trigger and he was playing it like a lute. When she said nothing, he went on.

“Well, which is it? Did he fuck you and dump you? Or did you fuck him and his dick wasn’t big enough?”

Jyn punched him.

He fell over, clutching at his bleeding face, swearing like a pilot, and she knew she’d broken his nose. She couldn’t really find it in herself to care.

“If you’re not here to train, get out,” she hissed as she loomed over him. Then she looked up at the other two who were watching quietly, obviously unwilling to get involved. “You can gossip in the cantina,” she finished and walked off to get changed. She heard the girls helping Leo to his feet as he was muttering about reporting this to her superiors. _To Cassian?_ she thought wryly. He could very well try.

Would Leo face consequences, or would she? It didn’t matter. She didn’t regret a damn thing.

* * *

Cassian came to see her the next day. After all that time, _this_ was what made him seek her out at last. She should have been angrier about that but she was too busy feeling sucker punched in the gut at the sight of him.

She leaned against the doorframe and glared. A not so subtle gesture that she wasn’t going to let him in. Cassian stared for a second but didn’t mention it.

“I heard what happened.”

“So he tattled, huh?”

“Actually, no. He was wiser than that after all.”

“Then how?” she asked then shook her head a second later. “Nevermind.”

Gossip spread like wildfire on base. The impulsive Sergeant Erso standing up for the elusive Captain Andor’s honor – especially after they reportedly had a falling out – was sure to be the talk of the rebellion.

She knew better than to think he was here to _thank_ her.

No, he was here to admonish her and probably warn her away from punching people again – it was clear from the carefully composed neutral expression on his face.

She didn’t want to hear it so she went on before he could get a word in.

“You didn’t hear what he said.”

He cringed, shaking his head and not quite meeting her eyes. “I heard.”

“Whatever.” He wasn’t there so it wasn’t the same.

“You can’t let them get to you like that.”

“Well, we can’t all be ice princes like you, Cassian, now can we?” She knew it was cruel and she knew her words would hurt him but she went on ahead anyway. It felt good, a little bit. “Cutting people out of your life like they never meant anything, a master at ignoring your feelings. I mean, do you even have any?”

Perhaps that last one went too far, she realized as she said it, but it was out there and there was no way to take it back. Cassian stilled, his face smoothing into the expression he wore when he was compartmentalizing. There was no hurt, no anger – he was a blank wall.

She’d apologize. She’ll open her mouth and say sorry. If she just –

She couldn’t make her tongue move.

“He was out of line but so were you,” Cassian said finally. His tone was vacant. “I just came to advise against beating up the recruits from now on. Makes my job a lot easier.”

“You got it, Captain,” she said briskly, screwing her mouth shut. She was unsure if she wanted to cry or scream.

He gave her a nod and turned around.

And that was it.

* * *

She didn’t know why she had ever told him. Everybody made it out to be such a big deal, like it was the most amazing thing that could ever happen to you – but the truth was, she’d been fine. Before. She’d been happier than she had _ever_ been.

And now it was all ruined.

Love was a ruse. It wasn’t worth it. She was not over him and he was clearly fine without her; how was that fair at all?

Then he found her again. Shuffling awkwardly on his feet, watching as she turned her inquisitive glare on him. He seemed… nervous?

“How have you been?” he asked like they just haven’t had the chance to talk in a couple of days.

She stared at him. “You’re kidding, right?”

In response, Cassian stepped closer and placed a bottle of Corellian rum in front of her. If possible, her stare got even more incredulous.

“Are you serious?”

“It’s a peace offering.” She shook her head and turned away. Maybe if she ignored him, he’d leave. “Jyn?”

“You can take your peace offering and shove it up your ass.”

“Alright, I deserve that.” Cassian sat down, folding his hands on top of each other, watching her intently. Clearly, he was not going away. He was just… waiting.

She studiously ignored him. Or tried to, at least. But he was the more patient of the two of them and he knew it. His staring was making her itch.

“Would you stop it?” she hissed, still not looking at him.

“Please say something. Anything at all. Just talk to me.”

“Why?” She looked at him now, but her glare was lacking. His stupid sad voice and pleading eyes were getting to her. It was ridiculously pathetic. “We’re not friends. You made that pretty clear.”

“Of course we’re friends,” Cassian answered and he sounded genuinely hurt at the accusation. Which was rich of him, really. She hadn’t been the one ignoring him for weeks on end.

“Right. Right, that’s why we haven’t talked in thirty-one days,” she threw back, hating how bitter she sounded.

“You – you counted?”

Jyn closed her eyes, breathing slowly. Kark it, she revealed more than she’d meant to.

“You don’t give up on your friends,” she said, willfully ignoring his question. She could accept that he didn’t feel the same but… “What I said, it was stupid. It was really stupid.” She didn’t dare look at him. “But I can’t believe you would cut me out of your life just because…”

She didn’t finish. She couldn’t actually say _it_ again.

“I thought it’d be better for both of us.”

“How?” she burst out, looking at him now, incredulous. His voice had been calm and emotionless and she hated it, especially hated the contrast between that and the simmering hurt in her own voice. She couldn’t even begin to wonder how he was feeling at the moment and it left her without leverage. “ _How_?”

“I needed space,” he said, now a little more forceful. “ _You_ needed space. A year… is a long time to be married to someone.”

Right. She turned away again and tried to engross herself in the report in front of her. Cassian watched her quietly for a while but she knew he wasn’t done.

“So I tried to distance myself from you,” he continued and she could hear him inhale then let out a slow breath. Watching from the corner of her eye, she decided that he looked quite pained after all. Face scrunched up, a deep frown between his eyebrows, mouth half open like he was struggling to say something. Or like he was holding back things he wanted to say. “But the truth is I hated it. I – uh. It was lonely without you.”

“Then what is your problem?” she asked quietly, still not quite looking at him.

“That you don’t have feelings for me. Astraia had feelings for Joreth but that’s – that’s all it was. So I couldn’t – so you needed to see,” he trailed off and shrugged. He sounded frustrated and a little beaten. “That’s all it was.”

Jyn frowned, forgetting why she had been mad at him before. Now she was mad for a whole new reason. Was he serious? She should let it drop – he was all but offering her an easy way out – but…

“Who are you to tell me how I feel?”

Cassian looked at her wide eyed, then shook his head. “No, Jyn, I know the signs of displacement that you experienced –”

“You’re wrong –”

“It’s pretty common after a long-term mission –”

“That wasn’t it –”

“I’ve dealt with it too –”

“Would you just shut up –”

“You get caught up in your character and become confused –”

“I’m not confused about anything, I’ve loved you since Scarif!”

There it was. She said it one more time. Now there was really no taking it back.

Jyn blew out a breath and shook her head. It didn’t matter now. Might as well go all in.

“You’re just determined not to believe me. You don’t have to make excuses, I get that you don’t feel the same. Just don’t act like I don’t know what I’m talking about because I do.”

Cassian was still, almost unnaturally so, as he stared at her. Like he was trying to comprehend the words she was saying. She knew he was smart as hell but right now, he looked like he needed a dictionary to decode what she’d meant. Jyn’s own confession echoed in her head. _I’ve loved you since Scarif._ A bold statement, for certain. He might very well never talk to her again. This might really ruin everything between them.

Her heart beat faster in her chest the longer he stayed silent. Was he going to say something?

“Since Scarif?” he finally croaked. Jyn nodded. She had the distant feeling that whatever was about to happen, it’d change her relationship with Cassian forever.

“It wasn’t the mission. It wasn’t _Astraia and Joreth._ ”

“I didn’t think –” He blew out a breath, shaking his head, his eyes desperate when he turned his gaze to her. “Why didn’t you say that?”

“I didn’t know what you were thinking!” Jyn burst out, throwing up her hands, and then – He kissed her.

He kissed her.

Holy force, he kissed her.

And Jyn hadn’t expected it, hadn’t even hoped for it, but it was better than any rush of adrenaline she’d ever experienced in her life. She was biased, she was definitely biased, but Cassian’s lips felt like paradise, her thoughts dissolving alarmingly quickly as she melted into him. He was more intoxicating than the Corellian rum he’d placed on the desk in front of her. She never wanted to come up for air.

But he did eventually break away, hand against her cheek and breathing against her lips. It took her a moment to open her eyes and all she could do was blink at him stupidly, noticing his flushed cheeks and red lips. _She_ did that. The knowledge was exhilarating.

She opened her mouth but couldn’t speak. Cassian did it for her, mumbling against her lips.

“I needed you to be sure.”

“I was,” she whispered, still a bit shaken. Swallowing, she took a deep breath and tried to compose herself. Her voice was stronger when she spoke again. “I mean, I am. Is it so hard to believe that I could love you – _Oh._ ” In that moment, she understood. He wasn’t doubting her, he was doubting himself. “Cassian...”

“I was afraid you lost herself,” he confessed, voice quiet.

“In Astraia?”

He nodded. “In being married. In loving me. I told you to _pretend_ to love me.”

“But I never had to pretend,” she said and it seemed to be enough as a small but wonderfully genuine smile lit up his face.

She leaned closer and kissed him again, just for a bit, because she could. Because she felt deliriously happy. Perhaps they still needed to talk things through but this was a start.

“You’re so stupid,” she said when she pulled away, her tone light. “How could you not know me?”

“In my defense, I had no reason to think you had real feelings for me.”

She rolled her eyes. He really was oblivious. (Perhaps so was she but _still._ )

“Well, that’s just categorically untrue.” She wound her arms around his neck and pulled herself closer. “What are you smiling at?”

He looked down, hiding the small quirk of his lips. “This seems right, doesn’t it?” he asked, his hand falling to her waist, curling into her jacket. He was right. She hadn’t consciously noticed the way she was touching him until he mentioned it. It was just natural.

“And we could have had it earlier if you weren’t being an idiot,” she pointed out without bite.

“A whole thirty-one days earlier,” he said, humor in his eyes. Was he already back to teasing her for counting? She let her nails dig into the skin of his neck, smiling when he jumped.

“Careful. I’m not sure I’ve forgiven you yet.”

Even though she meant to be teasing too, his expression sobered and he sat up a little straighter, his hand tightening around her waist.

“I’m sorry, Jyn, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

She shrugged a little but she couldn’t lie and say it didn’t suck. She’d been pretty miserable without him.

“I thought you were done with me,” she admitted quietly, not looking at him. Cassian leaned closer, gently tilting her face up to meet her gaze.

“Hey. _Never._ It was my own insecurities, nothing else. If I’d known you were serious, I would have…” He trailed off and there was something in his eyes that set her skin alight.

She grinned, feeling a little feisty as she dragged her hand through Cassian’s hair.

“You would have _what_?” she inquired innocently and the look he gave her was full of exasperation but also promises. Lots of exciting promises.

She laughed under her breath, barely audible, then shook her head. “But seriously. You don’t have to doubt me, okay?”

“I won’t ever, I promise, I won’t.”

“Good.”

She pressed her forehead against his, just allowing herself to enjoy the moment. Everything she’d never thought she’d have – maybe, she thought, love wasn’t a scam after all. Maybe with Cassian, it was worth it.

“Since Scarif,” he mused, absently carding his hand through her hair. Her eyes fluttered closed on their own accord. It was nice. He had too much effect on her.

“Yeah?” she breathed, caught up in his mere proximity.

“We could have had this since _Scarif._ ”

That was up for debate – Jyn wasn’t sure how ready either of them had been back then, even if she knew now that she’d loved him – but they sure could have been honest with each other a little sooner. Maybe even before the Swards mission. Maybe it would have been more bearable with the grounding knowledge that Cassian was with her, body and soul, always.

“Don’t think about it,” she shushed him quietly and kissed him again. She was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you all for reading and commenting, it means a lot. I hope you're all staying safe! As always, you can find me on [tumblr](https://captainandors.tumblr.com/).


End file.
